RELATIONSHIPS AND MARRIAGE

This page seeks to offer some answers, thoughts and comments on various questions in the areas of courtship, marriage and family life from a Christian perspective. The reflections shared here are the result of years of living as a Christian who believes in the authority of the Bible, and from my experience of fifteen years of marriage which ended due to the death of my first wife. Some of the nuances will be as a result of being remarried as well as spending numerous hours doing lay counseling with courting and married couples, and with single men and women seeking answers and solutions to relational issues.

This is a growing page and, just because you do not find an answer to a nagging question, it is not an indication that it is insignificant to me. I will do what I can to address such a question as soon as it gets to me. Forward all such questions to info@reubenkigame.com and we will do what we can to address them. We will adopt the dialogue approach in answering each of the questions. Please read on.



WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN A MAN, SINCE I WOULD LIKE TO FIND A GOOD ONE FOR MARRIAGE?

Most of what I share here will apply to men looking for wives as well, with minor exceptions. As a woman looking for a husband, I would like to reverse for you the passage in Proverbs 18:22 which says a good wife comes from the Lord. I say that a good husband comes from the Lord. In other words, you should depend on and pray to the Lord to lead you to Mr. Right. You will thus know that he is Mr. Right if he exhibits a genuine love for God. People underestimate this foundational quality, but wait until there are issues in the relationship. Whom do you turn to for overall guidance? Counselors are important but they make mistakes. They may never fully understand you or your issues. Relatives may help to a certain extent, but they have been known to betray, misunderstand or not just care. All marriages with the Lordship of God are a big success. Without Him, the courts are an easy option.

In addition, a good man should have good character. Proverbs 22:1 says A good name is better than great riches. Such character should not be determined by worldly standards, e.g. generosity at the bar, doing good at Christmas or showing pseudo-care of you by loading you with money and goods, taking you out or satisfying your sensual needs whenever you wish. It should be evident in such things as that he is a man of his word; good at taking decisions; courageous in that he is ready to defend you physically and verbally; he should not be easily put down by negative circumstances or challenges; should have seasoned speech and reasoning; should not be one who enjoys putting others down or one who rejoices in the pain of others; should not be a liar, etc. I think that 1 Corinthians 13 is a good yardstick to measure a good husband just as Proverbs 31 is often the yardstick for measuring a good wife. Such character should be totally acceptable to you, so that you do not merely tolerate him.

A good man should be hard-working. He should be concerned with your wellbeing and should be prepared to provide for you and yours. If you notice laziness before marriage, be sure it will be hard to change. Note that you cannot quite change a person. God can.

You also want a man who is a friend and loves you for who you are and not so much what you have in terms of looks and property or money. If you find it hard to be friends with a man, do not think that miracles will happen once you become married and that you will automatically become friends. Only marry someone you enjoy talking to and being with. Any signs of being bored easily when you are with him means things may not work. Ask yourself questions like, “Can I sit up most of the night chatting or do we exhaust everything in the first half hour?” “Do I miss his company?” “Do I enjoy being with him even when we are saying nothing?”

You should also be content with someone’s appearance or looks before you commit yourself to them. If something in their appearance puts you off before you get married, it always will in marriage, and much more then. Such contentment will shield you from the temptation to look for those with better looks. As someone once said, “The beautiful ones are not yet born.”

Be content with the career one has and the educational achievements behind them or you will forever fight with attitudes. Inferiority and/or superiority complexes are common where this is not settled in one’s mind before committing to marriage.

Let me add something here for men looking for wives. If you wish to marry a woman, but discover from very early that she has problems submitting to authority, e.g. at work, at the church or to her parents, she is probably not Miss Right. She will probably have problems submitting to your authority and, for instance, if you make a suggestion or decision in your relationship, you will find her checking with other people before doing something or before telling you what you suggested is ok. This could be her close male or female friends she may respect more than you. The Bible puts a high premium on submission on the part of the woman in Ephesians 5:21ff.

Similarly, if, as a woman, you notice tendencies on the part of a man to consult other women than you before making the final decision, or acting rude to you or exhibiting tendencies of violence, be warned and just pull off before marriage. Chances are that he loves you for something you have or how you look. There is likely to be a “love” dependent on feelings and self and not the real love the same passage in Ephesians talks about.

Notably, only a Godly man can change for the better, so ensure that at least that quality is there if nothing else. Beware that many people could fake godliness and character in order to get you, and so be wise and take your time before committing to any relationship.



IS THERE A SPECIFIC AGE WHEN SOMEONE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE?

Not really, but we know that marriage is for adults. Children need to grow. People seem to have lived longer in the past and so got married much later than us on average. Nobody, however, should get married until they are biologically, socially, spiritually and economically prepared for it. I do not mean, by economically, that one should necessarily have a lot of money, but that they (especially men) should be prepared to fend for the family and take full responsibility for the feeding, clothing and general care of the family. In my opinion, one should be at least twenty years old in order to get married. The Bible assigned that it is at the age of 20 that men could go to war. “Anyone who can handle a weapon is, to me, responsible enough to make judgments and courageous enough to take care of his wife and children.”



HOW LONG SHOULD A COURTSHIP LAST?

There is no rule. If we were to put a mini-rule to it, it would be, “Long enough to know the person you intend to marry or get married to well enough for a lifelong commitment.”

IS IT WRONG FOR ME TO MARRY SOMEONE WHO IS OLDER THAN ME?

Depending on how old you are, the same could be asked of marrying someone younger than you. There is nothing particularly wrong with marrying someone older or younger if two people honestly love each other and that the love is not dependent on what one has, what one looks like per se or merely on pity, e.g. I will marry him/her because they have waited too long and nobody seems to come around; or, they are from an orphaned home so I will marry to save them from “misery.” So-called “sugar-mummy” or “sugar-daddy) relationships never work because they are not based on true or genuine love.

The only advantage that is common in marrying someone who is closer to you in age is primarily the unity of mind and purpose in life. Younger people are often in a learning process and older people may be unwilling to learn and may boss over the younger with the feeling that the younger are inexperienced. Often, a woman who marries a slightly older person has fewer challenges with authority issues or submission for that matter, especially where genuine love exists. People who are closer in age have a lot more in common to talk about and do together. As a result, they may have fewer unnecessary disagreements.

MUST I WED IN A CHURCH FOR MY MARRIAGE TO BE BLESSED BY GOD?

No and yes. I suppose what you mean by “church” is actually “church building.” A church building is not the same as the church. Church refers to the people who may worship at a church building. The word “church” actually comes from the Greek word “ekklessia” which means “called out” of the world into an everlasting fellowship with Christ. Only in this sense could I say “yes” you would need to really marry in the fellowship of Christ to fully enjoy God’s blessings as a married couple.

Nevertheless, in terms of places to get married, people have had blessed marriages that married at stadia, city halls, gardens, and even at the Attorney’s office. The important thing is that God is part of that union and that there are witnesses.



MY PARENTS-IN-LAW INSIST THAT I AM NOT FULLY MARRIED SINCE I DID NOT FINISH PAYING DOWRY. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

In our day dowry or “bridewealth” has been seriously abused. Besides, there have always been people who got married that were not that wealthy and so there was no wealth to bequeath to parents-in-law. What is more, this is not a biblical injunction, even though giving gifts at marriage to either sides has been practiced in Bible days and throughout history.

The giving of what I have chosen to refer to as “bridal token”, however, is not ungodly in that it flows out of a heart of gratitude to the parents-in-law by the man. It is like saying, “Thank you so much for such an immeasurable gift of your daughter, and my heart is overwhelmed to the point of giving you a gift”. For the believer this takes on a worship dimension in that, in principle, the gift is not even being given to the parents as much as it takes on the form of an offering to God, but which is received by the caretakers of your wife-to-be and their willingness to offer you the blessing of their daughter. When I have given such an “offering”, for me it has been with this in mind and it is a solemn moment.

If you get pressure from your parents-in-law in this direction, perhaps you could find an older person who knows both you and them well; someone they respect; perhaps a relative. Share your predicament with such a person and ask him/her to talk to them about giving you time, if they keep insisting, so that you can find something to give them. Help such a person to know the importance of communicating the fact that you value the relationship and that you are committed to helping them with their needs as the Lord blesses you. Then make it a practical gesture of that love to reach out and assist wherever you can so that they know you are not a mean person.

To parents, please know that the tendency by some to prevent the youth from getting married is a futile thing as they can elope and you will do nothing about it. Please bless them and let them enjoy their love, as you may discourage them and cause resentment in their hearts for you and your family.






IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH CROSS-CULTURAL MARRIAGES?

Not really, according to the Bible. Moses had an Ethiopian wife. In the book of Ruth we read of Ruth who was a Moabitess getting married to an Israelite called Boaz by God’s leading. In fact, our Saviour was born in the lineage of Ruth and Boaz.

God forbade Israel’s intermarriage with other communities with a different spiritual culture on the basis of faith and not so much because they could not per se. Basically, the foreigners would derail Israel’s faith because of their worship of idols.

As a believer, we have a common Christian culture in that a true Christian believes in and follows Christ, obeying everything He has taught. This means that a true believer in Christ can marry someone from any culture because they share a common Christian culture. Even those who are not believers get along somehow because they have a common ungodly culture. I believe this is the basis for God giving Paul the command (2 Cor. 6:14) that we should not be “unequally yoked” with unbelievers because there is no fellowship between “light and darkness.” This is not an unfair command – it is very logical and acceptable to both true believers and true unbelievers.

The challenge occurs, however, when there are deep-seated stereotypes and prejudices that believers then give into, leading to the straining of marriage relationships. Besides, the major advantage of marrying from the same culture is really just the increase in the unity of mind and purpose in that you have a lot more in common and the foundation tends to be stronger in that you naturally eliminate the possibility of judging each other by any kind of prejudices that are external to your culture. On the other hand, the advantage in marrying from another “human” culture, so to speak, is that one tends to be more broad-minded and so open and accommodating to matters of doing things differently. Blessed is the couple that is open-minded and accommodating with or without those dynamics of cultural differentiation. We must bear in mind that all human cultures are equal before God as long as they are subject to Him.





WHY DO PASTORS NOWADAYS INSIST ON A COUPLE INTENDING TO GET MARRIED TAKING AN HIV TEST?

By the way, this is really a good thing. They do this for the simple reason that both should know their status and should be willing to count the cost of commitment no matter what. People tend to hide a lot of things from each other. HIV testing should not threaten any genuine couple as this is an opportunity to declare to each other that you so trust each other that it should solidify rather than break the relationship. What a joy to know that someone has been telling you they are a virgin and that they really are as they have not been involved sexually, let alone contracting an STD! If one is HIV Positive, one would naturally infect the other, leading to death. Thus, the pastoral insistence is really benevolent as it is a matter of life and death besides being one of the ultimate tests of trust. For me, it actually deepened my love for my wife-to-be, then, now my wife.

IF PEOPLE IN THE BIBLE WERE POLYGAMOUS, WHY DOES THE CHURCH INSIST POLYGAMY IS WRONG?

Polygamy implies that you try and serve many masters. It is impossible (Matt 6:24), said Jesus, in the context of God and money, and equally so in trying to partition your heart. You will have a favourite, and if you have a favourite, then that one should be your only wife. God made Adam and Eve. If His intention was polygamy, He would have made more than Eve.

If you look carefully at all the polygamists recorded in the Bible, they all had problems without exception. Solomon’s heart was led astray by polygamy. David had domestic strife. When Abraham tended towards it he had issues. Those today who have tried it have had serious issues, spoken and unspoken. Besides, marriage is about two souls fusing together in some kind of deep union. This cannot happen in polygamy.


I AM NOW THIRTY-FIVE AND FEEL THAT GOD HAS FORGOTTEN ME SINCE I WOULD LIKE TO FIND A HUSBAND.
AS A CHRISTIAN IS IT OK IF I ACCEPT A PROPOSAL FROM A NON-CHRISTIAN?

There are two issues here. The first one is that of age, where you feel you are growing old and you fear that you might not get someone to marry you. The second is that of marrying a non-Christian.

On the first question, the thirties is not old. Most people marry in the late twenties and the thirties anyway. I think here you are just being impatient. If you marry when you are a little older, actually you eliminate a lot of common marital problems associated with naivity and immaturity in man-woman relationships. Those in the twenties are still figuring out issues of careers, studies, settling down in life, etc. In the thirties, you have pretty much thought through what you want in life and are bound to settle down in marriage more seriously.
Besides, there are people who have married or gotten married in their forties and fifties and are extremely happy in their marriages. Do not be deceived by age.
Another thing is that God could delay your finding someone for numerous possible reasons: You could marry early and get really frustrated in life so that you begin to seek a way out of the relationship. God could be saving you from the wrong men so that you can end up meeting the right one. God knows about us more than we and others know of us.
On the second issue, the Bible is categorical in 2 Corinthians 6:14 that we should not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. God knows all the good reasons why, but certainly, He has shown us again and again by living examples that marriages between believers and unbelievers is often rocky and turbulent. One wishes to go and worship at Church while another wants to spend Sunday at the Club. One wishes to pray about something while the other wishes to sort out the problem through mere wits. One desires to raise up children using the Bible while the other desires to use computer games and Hollywood or Disney cartoons. There is bound to be conflict.

WHAT SHOULD I DO IN ORDER TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL WEDDING SINCE I CANNOT AFFORD ONE?

I think people have misunderstood the essence of weddings. A good wedding is not necessarily expensive or big. The purpose of a wedding is twofold: to make a public declaration and to celebrate. I argue that both can be achieved without much money.

There is no good reason why people must eat rice, stew and large servings of vegetables and drink coke and fanta. One could serve tea and sandwiches and still have a very good wedding. I have been at one wedding where this was done even though the couple could have afforded the feeding of thousands with a sumptuous meal if they chose to. We were all very happy and celebrant throughout the wedding. Please do not be deceived that a successful wedding has to be expensive.


HAS GOD INTENDED ONLY ONE MATE FOR EVERYONE WHO GETS MARRIED?

Yes and no! If married, Yes; but if God allows a remarriage, then no. Biblical marriage is distinctly monogamous (Gen. 2:18-24), judging by the very first marriage between Adam and Eve. The two become one flesh. Speaking through Paul (1 Cor. 7:39), God says that they are bound to each other for as long as they are both alive. If one of the spouses dies, the living spouse is free to remarry. Such a remarriage is what brings about the possibility of someone getting married to a second spouse. Note that the Scriptures do not permit one person to be married to two different living people at the same time. Such would lead to adultery. If this is a little difficult to accept, then consider applying Jesus’ analogy of the impossibility of serving two masters. I always thought that God had intended only that one person to love in my life, until my first wife went to be with the Lord. It is only after unplugging my life from her with regard to eros love, and in view of the irrevocable absence that I could truly love my second wife wholeheartedly. This possibility is no license for polygamy nor having careless multiple relationships before or during marriage.


IS IT WRONG FOR ME AS A CHRISTIAN TO KISS MY GIRLFRIEND?

On this question, no amount of information can encourage or discourage anyone who has decided that he will kiss his girlfriend. In fact, the fact that the question is often phrased “Is it wrong” already suggests a sense of guilt. Here I will say only two things:

First, wherever there is guilt or fear, the relationship is sufficiently compromised in the negative direction. You cannot really linger between two opinions. For this reason, you will just have to decide whether you want to honour God with waiting and hence avoid the consequences of passion associated with kissing, or you wish to live with the dire consequences including outright sexual involvement which often follows the kissing of girlfriends.

Secondly, you need to know that the reason why believers are encouraged not to kiss before marriage is primarily because kissing is part and parcel of the sexual process. No woman will be kissed and just feel nothing. Even when they do not say it or show it, there is unspoken chemistry taking place. Even for you as a man, if a woman came and kissed you, you will have a reaction, spoken or otherwise, but it is there. The sexual experience is developmental or gradual. The woman’s body response to sexual feelings is sometimes compared to an Iron which heats up slowly and cools down slowly too. Thus, kissing is part of the initial sexual stimulation, and so nobody can pretend that they are having a non-sexual kiss. Many times even what are mere pecks on the cheek have a mental translation towards sex. Someone will give you a peck because they “miss” you in a special sense, otherwise a handshake would be sufficient. Not to mention that, even physically, one would still feel the emotion of the peck once it is granted. To help you understand this, just ask the question why would someone kiss you on the cheek rather than merely shake your hand? So, when you kiss your girlfriend on the lips, you are basically expressing a unique form of affection often shared between two people who are deeply in love. By way of analogy, to kiss your girlfriend is like starting the engine of the car with or without the intention to drive the car. Conversely, there is no way you can drive a car without starting the engine. The Bible says that we should not provoke/awake love before the time. You cannot scoop fire in your bosom without being burned.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH HAVING SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE OR OUTSIDE WEDLOCK IF MARRIED?

A lot of people think that God is unfair in condemning fornication and adultery. They feel as if God is some kind of “wet blanket’ on the fires of passion that burn inside them. It is hard for them to see that God cannot create something good and then deny them of it. The thing that is particularly wrong with sex outside wedlock and unfaithfulness in sexual matters in general is best illustrated by the attempt to drive a car off-road in the presence of a good road.

Note, too, that people tend to ask what is wrong with something because of a deep-seated sense of guilt. They suspect that it is not right. Wherever there is guilt nobody can enjoy something to the full. But, the real issue with fornication and adultery is the consequences that emerge from involvement. What are some of these?

First, sex outside marriage is often devoid of true commitment. If there was true commitment, there would be a natural push towards getting married. Marriage in principle says that you love someone so much and unreservedly that you want them near you all the time for the rest of your life. Anything less than this leads to broken hearts. The greatest sexual experience happens between two people who are completely given to each other and do not merely wish to have momentary gratifications of desires. If you asked any woman interested in a relationship for what it really is, she will tell you that she wants a man who will truly love her and not merely use her body to expel feelings. If you asked any man who wants a serious relationship, he will tell you that he would never want a relationship with a lady who promises her love to him and then gives her body, time and attention to other men. It is about commitment.

Second, there is the ever-present danger of sexually-transmitted diseases. A lot of people downplay this disastrous effect, yet billions are spent each year on the treatment and management of STD’s. Millions have also died from such diseases, including prominent personalities around the world, from politicians to economically-endowed persons, to music and film artistes and even sports persons. God wants you to have life and have it to the full. (John 10:10).

Thirdly, there is a peculiar thing that many counselors do not address in the area of having sex before or outside marriage. It is the issue of becoming soul-mates with people you have sex with. You see, having sex is one of the deepest expressions of intimacy and vulnerability. Sex brings you so close to someone that it is as if you are giving each other (not part but) the whole of yourself – your soul – your deepest feelings and who you are at your deepest. Sex is an act of surrender of your totality to the other person. When one has sex before marriage and then marries somebody else apart from the one he/she had sex with, there is automatic instability and lack of 100 per cent commitment to the marriage on the part of the party in question. Each time there is a problem in the marriage, he/she will retreat to the person with whom they had sex. It is worse when there are emotional problems including sexual challenges in the marriage. The person will tend to “miss” the person he/she had sex with; why? Because of a soul bond that only God can break. I know some believers who have this problem, because they had sex with so many different partners that naturally commitment to marriage is hard as they are always craving for past experiences. In marriage, it is worse because it leads to never-ending unfaithfulness and, unfortunately, as some have confessed, when having sex with their spouses, they cannot enjoy it to the full with their spouses because they keep comparing the experience with that they have had with their other (stray) partners. This, often time, leads to marriage breakdown.

Lastly, and most significantly, God condemns fornication and adultery in His Word, and so if God says something should not be done, we lose and harm ourselves if we insist on doing it. God never commands anything to harm us. In Hebrews 13:4 He says: Marriage should be honored by all and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

THE BIBLE SAYS “CHILDREN ARE A GIFT FROM THE LORD AND BLESSED IS THE MAN WHOSE QUIVER IS FULL OF THEM”. AM I CURSED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN?

Not necessarily. If you are not a believer in Christ, I am not fully sure of your condition, but chances are you are a victim of Satanic curses inflicted through diverse avenues. But if you are a child of God, then know that Jesus Christ became a curse once for all for you on the cross and so you do not bear any more curses. Like the Lord said to Abraham, and you being of Abraham’s seed by Christ, He will bless those who bless you and those who curse you He will curse. Ultimately, it is the Lord who blesses and curses. (Genesis 13:14-17).If you despise God and disobey Him, He could visit curses on you. (Deuteronomy 28). If you obey, however, any challenge that comes your way is for the good and not to destroy you. (Romans 8:28).

If you do not have a child as a believer, it does not mean that God does not like you. He loved Hanah so much because she sought His face, but Hannah was barren for a long time and was mocked repeatedly by Penninah (1 Samuel). When God came through for her, she proved that the delay had a purpose. It was a matter of time. Sarah and Elizabeth did not have children almost all their lives, but see what God did for them in their old age! It could be God’s time to give you a child has not come.

The Psalm (127) says that children are a gift from God, but does not imply that they are the only indicator that God’s favour is on someone. God’s favour is upon many single people who are not married, let alone having or not having children. Sometimes God may delay or not give children to a couple for very good reasons: regular health challenges, His knowledge that the parents may not live long, a specific busy lifestyle in the ministry (as the case may be with His call of some to celibacy), etc. Those whose quivers are full of them are not necessarily more blessed than those without. In David’s time in particular, one was certainly blessed because if he lost any in battle he would still have some left (see the ref to “contending with enemies” in the city in this Psalm).

IS IT TRUE THAT GOD IS RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING SOME PEOPLE HOMOSEXUAL AND LESBIAN?

No, it cannot be true. This is because we have to differentiate between God making human beings and human beings who have been made picking up or choosing certain lifestyles. Homosexuality and lesbianship are sexual practices or orientations that are entered into by choice and not by biological make-up per se. These orientations based on choice are comparable to those who choose to rape or have sex with animals in order to fulfill their sexual appetites. Nobody is created that way, and those who forge so-called scientific explanations often end up with unsubstantiable fallacies.

Those who claim homosexuality is hereditary fail to answer the simple question that, if it is, how are homosexual genes transmitted? Homosexuals are offsprings of heterosexual relationships and not homosexual unions. If God created some people homosexual or lesbian, He would not then go ahead and condemn the practices in His Word (e.g. Leviticus 18:22 and Romans 1:26,27) There is no way He could create the people of Sodom homosexual and then judge them and destroy them and their city for it. Besides, if people are born that way, then how come some end up abandoning such lifestyles when they are converted to faith in Jesus Christ? The possibility to change means this is a practice that was picked up along the way and, like other sexual perversions, should be turned away from because God knew they were destructive. (1 Cor. 6:9)

MY HUSBAND SAYS I SHOULD HAVE AN ABORTION BECAUSE THE PREGNANCY I HAVE WAS UNPLANNED FOR. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Please don’t do it. The two of you need to talk cordially about the following:
If you “did not plan”, why punish the one who did not plan as well? If the child in your womb planned to be there by himself/herself according to their own choice and thus become an intruder, then you might begin to talk of “legal proceedings” against the child. You cannot inflict capital punishment on someone who has done you no wrong. If you do not want the child associated with you and your husband, then, since it is your husband and yourself who brought him/her into existence, it is only a matter of nine months and then you can give them away for adoption. This would be better than living with a lifelong guilt of murdering an innocent human being, worse still, when too helpless to defend themselves.

Second, you are married and have the security of home. There is nothing that really can prevent you from loving and taking care of that child. I am sure you face economic challenges even without the child there. To abort, you will probably use
As much money as you would need to wean the child. Besides, you might have complications that will make you spend much, much more on your personal care, which money could have been used to bring up the child.

IS IT WRONG TO MASTURBATE WHEN YOU FEEL A SEXUAL URGE?

There are at least two problems with masturbation that every person needs to know. First, it does not involve romantic love but mere lust. Love is directed to someone else, but when you masturbate you direct that love to yourself. Remember that loving yourself sexually is not only absurd but destructive to your personality. Similarly, it is emotionally destructive to lust after yourself. Even where people have defended sexual fantasy or pornographic involvement, there is nothing real. Sexual illusions can destroy one's emotional stability, leading to other harmful tendencies such as developing the desire to rape. Second, it has been proven that a constant practice of masturbation leads to poor sexual performance in marriage. One tends to think about himself/herself instead of thinking about their spouse. It can also lead to unfaithfulness since one encourages random sexual feelings. In some cases, it has led some people to mental instability and ruined their capacity to think straight. In short, it is not a good practice. If the problem persists, it is helpful to see a counselor.